Creativity » Sassifiable

galaxy rise

Nov 092012

“But we’re also capable of using our compassion and our intelligence, our technology and our wealth to make an abundant and meaningful life for every inhabitant of this planet; to enhance enormously our understanding of the universe, and to carry us… to the stars”.

~ Dr. Carl Sagan Cosmos episode 8, “Journeys in Space and Time”

In 1980 I remember my 8 year old self sitting down to watch this new show called “Cosmos”. My parents, themselves fascinated with science and space, snuggled me in between them. I was down for the quality parental time, but not so sure about some dude in polyester pretending to explore the universe on a fake spaceship.

All of a sudden, he sits in front of an apple pie and says “If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch you must first invent the universe”.

That was it.

I was sunk. I sat motionless for that entire program, ”The Shores of the Cosmic Ocean”. Hell through the entire SERIES I sat and watched without words, as 8 year old little girls ~~very rarely~~ almost never do.
It wasn’t the SuperFriends or Bugs Bunny or Tom and Jerry or G Force… it was science man. And I ate it up with a spoon.

I heard things throughout that series like:

Space is filled with a network of wormholes
You might emerge somewhere else in space
Some when-else in time

and

The sky calls to us
If we do not destroy ourselves
We will one day venture to the stars

and

The Cosmos is full beyond measure of elegant truths
Of exquisite interrelationships
Of the awesome machinery of nature

It captured my imagination. It captured my soul. With a two million dollar budget, polyester pants, corduroy jackets, and turtlenecks… Carl Sagan changed my life forever. Causing me to think beyond my nose, to see the enormity and beauty of life instead of focusing inwards only. He inspired me in ways I’m still discovering today.

Thank you Mom and Dad for make an eight year old squirmy kid sit still for five minutes, just long enough to get snagged by star stuff. Thank you Carl Sagan for my love of science and the stars. Thank you for irrevocably changing my life.

Happy 78th Birthday #CarlSagan Thank you for saving my life.

Love,

Amy aka ScienceNerd

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note to self…

Creativity, Emotional Intelligence 2 Responses »

Oct 122012

Yesterday was “International Day of the Girl”. There was a lovely post from CNN where they interviewed famous women to glean what they would’ve told their 15 year old selves. It was all very sweet and very empowering and rich and beautiful and inspiring.

I, however, would have told my 15 year old self many things.

1. Boys lie. A lot. Especially the ones that seem exciting. They won’t respect you in the morning. Keep your innocence as long as you can. The ones you should trust are the ones who don’t seem exciting right now. Change your perception of exciting.

2. You’re not nearly as disgusting as you think you are. You’re not ugly or strange or weird or inferior or stupid or any of those things you’ve been told and/or tell yourself. It’s okay to like reading more than fashion. It’s good to be smart. When you turn 16 don’t act dumb to fit in. Oh and you won’t really dig cheerleading (even though you are peppy and happy) so don’t even think about trying out. Stick with the band and choir. You’re really good at the drums and have a sweet voice. When you grow up you’ll learn how important your “smart” is.

3. Drinking doesn’t make you cool. If you continue to drink then you will become an alcoholic and pretty much lose everything… including your self respect.

4. When you turn thirty there is a man who will appear very charming. He will become known in the future as Prince Charmingless. You will have many problems as a result of this, including physical trauma that you will live with your entire life. You will also have three babies that you will love more than life. This is a good thing. Just lay off the chow during your first pregnancy k? K.

5. It’s okay to like sex. Just be choosy. When you’re OLDER. And on that note THIS is what your period means… THIS is what a clitoris is… THIS is what masturbation is… maybe if you know your own body and know what makes you feel good… you won’t be so easily convinced that three second sex is supposed to feel good to you. Intimacy with yourself first kiddo. (refer to point #1)

6. Grown ups aren’t always right.

7. Being the “good girl” is overrated and NO I’m not talking about sex (refer back to #5). Learn that it’s okay to stand up for yourself. You’re no one’s whipping girl. The world will not end if you say NO. The world will also not collapse if you are a bit sassy.

8. Don’t let your mom pick out your clothes anymore. Remember the “fluorescent” incident? Yeah. Stop that.

9-100 Not published due to time/tldr restrictions.

But being of a Doctor Who “spoilers” mindset… I realize that if I’d gone back and said all these things, if I’d changed even one iota of my existence as hard as it was at times, I wouldn’t be the woman I am right now. Having to fight for your life gives you courage that can never be taught otherwise. The only way through life is… straight through the middle. All those decisions and traumas and difficulties and tears and pain and dark lonely nights brought me to… me. I like me. I like that I know compassion and empathy. That I can show kindness and sincerity to those around me. I like that I’m not afraid of tears and that I can sit with someone in their fears. I like… me. Because of what I’ve gone through. Those of you that know me… know what that means. Those of you who do not read sassifiable.com/too-happy-my-ass/.

And because I like me… because of all the shit… I can like you too. You can’t give what you don’t have to give. Self love with humility goes a long long way.

So I wouldn’t tell my 15 year old self anything except this… “It’s all going to be okay.” And then kiss her on the forehead run my fingers through her long blonde hair and walk away.

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cock-block

Creativity No Responses »

Apr 292012

That horrible awful moment… when you realize you have absolutely NOTHING to write about.

Things in life are going along swimmingly, so much so that you would appear like you were bragging. Scratch the angsty posts. (dammit)

No baby kittens or whales or seals or any other baby animal (that you know of) is being hurt (AT this present moment). Ixnay on the animal stuff.

No one has stomped on my feminist bravado (yet today) so no posts about how guys suck and chicks rue. (kicks rocks)

No stupid political posts or hashtags or memes or baby mama drama or relapse war stories or kids falling down a well… hell even LASSIE is taking a fucking nap while Timmy is chasing skirts. (if you don’t know that show I hate you)

No self exploring poignant heart wrenching soul lifting inspirational hope filled saccharine sweet words of encouragement either. (What the hell is wrong with me?)

Every once in a great while, every writer every CREATIVE person, has a moment. Where inspiration runs dry and words just won’t come out right. It’s part of the process, part of the journey. Hence when your pen DOTH flow… you better jump on that shit right now. Muses are fickle and prone to run. So I force myself to write … even about not being able to write right. Right? Being stuck sucks no matter how you frame it. This is when free writing and poetry are my BFF’s and I just go with the flow-age… so to speak.

How do you keep your creative spark flowing, when your mojo is a no-go and you can’t seem to find your way home and you sit and stare at the blank screen like it’s cirque de soleil starring Han Solo? Yanno? As Justine Musk always says … you’re a creative badass. And I believe her. Just like anything else, creativity (no matter what your flavor may be) will ALWAYS come back. It’s just part of the show yo. Don’t knot knickers or pucker your thong about it… just keep doin’ what you do until the words-music-poetry-images-photographs-dance moves-knitting (?) mojo comes back.

Besides the more anxious you are, the more you’ll create performance anxiety. (Ask any man currently taking Viagra how THAT goes) Ouch. There’s an ebb and flow to this thing. And seeing as I just wrote a 400 word blog on not being able to write a blog… there just might be something to this.

But still there’s this little nagging voice at the back of my noggin saying … you can’t even write a sex kitten-ish coquettish toe curling sensual sexy heart stopping make you squirm in your seat poem?

Hey there’s an idea. Laters. I feel some word magic comin’ on. Remember… the only one blocking you is YOU.

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evolution

Creativity, Expression 2 Responses »

Mar 262012

A small girl in a woman’s body. Shivering and shaking with trepidation. Slapped around by circumstance. Active participation in the committee convening in the inner sanctum. The gavel slams on happy. NOT ALLOWED. Lashing out in anger-derision-self styled agony at the fear of a perceived loss. Running and hiding ass up head down under covers. Acting as if she’s okay when she is… not. Whistling in the dark. Putting so much on plates that she gorges on overwhelmed. Not remembering to breathe. Not living in the moment. Not holding hands with self assurance. Simply NOT… herself. Running in place as pigtails sway, patent leather tapping in syncopation with the night terror tap dance. Touch me don’t touch me touch me… don’t. Love me love me nots, flower petal miscount. Wanting a do-over but to ashamed to say, tear drops patter like flip flops as she hangs her head in shame.

This is the good fight… this used to be every day. Sometimes still this slams down my throat stopping right at my choke, this used to be the only way… i knew… how to play.

And then in the dark comes a spark. The tiniest flash of intuition submission override, counterbalance applicable magic sickle of truth relates; swathing a path of sweet relief as the lies are blocked. The shocking profundity of the hearts condition simply stops. Wrought by years of practice, habits of reality sashay in sweet surrender. Tethering inner demonic with a peace filled fluidity tonic; the relief in the belief that in the end, i do not break… i bend. For what was once the despair show, is replaced by the inner ‘know’ – this is not the end but the continuation of a love song, of a girl whose heart is strong. These are the life altering, charismatic moments of profundity; where fear and courage intermingle in the sand box in dirty dungaree’s. Calling my own bluff and finding yet again… i am enough.

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epiphany day

Creativity 3 Responses »

Jan 022012

I’ve been having a creative funk lately. Perhaps the holidays, focus on “ho ho ho” and banging on pots on the front porch (yes. we did that.) to celebrate the New Year, have got me all askew. Perhaps the weather, rain rain go get bent. Most likely because I feel like a broken record sometimes.

You see what I write about is in MY head all the time. It doesn’t seem unique or special or particularly worthy in any way. Just me on a page sharing thoughts/feelings/blah blah/yadda yadda. No big whoop.

And then I saw a video on Google+. It said… OBVIOUS TO YOU AMAZING TO OTHERS. (watch this. seriously. it’s brilliant.)

Not to insinuate that I’m amazing… by ANY stretch. ‘Cause I’m not. But it served as a reminder that just because it’s OBVIOUS in my own head… it might NOT be so obvious to others. I write. It’s my thing. Whether or not it amounts to anything or not so much… a day without writing is beginning to be like a day without water. I’m just NOT quite right if I don’t write a blog or poem. Innate and cathartic and healing and… me.

Epiphany #1. Keep writing. It’s who you are. Period.

Then, within five minutes of that… a message showed up on Google talk that I had missed earlier. So… I pinged back.

me: hey there… you pinged me earlier?

L: I did. You busy?

me: just waiting on dinner in the oven… you said something about a story you wanted to share?

L: I do. My boyfriend K and I both follow you here on Google and enjoy your postings. We both share differing degrees of misery in our pasts and can relate to a lot of your history.

me: thanks… i’m very glad to meet you

L: He is helping me raise my 2 daughters from a previous marriage – and this is what I wanted to share with you

The oldest is 15, youngest is 10.

He sat them down in our living room this morning and actually read your history to them. It was an incredible moment for all of us – and I can relate to a lot of it – though not quite to the degree you have experienced it.

me: wow.

L: He took the time to read every word to them

They took it all in like little sponges

me: that is the most amazing thing i think i’ve ever heard.

L: He then proceeded to tell them that he has reasons for being strict on who they are allowed to associate with – and what you experienced in your relationships is a large part of why.

He feels a sense of protectiveness toward ALL women – even more so the ones he loves and has the responsibility of raising.

He told them that NO woman should EVER experience what you did – or what I did – at the hands of the wrong dude.

me: i’m totally speechless… err… typeless.

L: He has chased off quite a few ‘losers’ from our 15 year old’s circle of friends – TRYING to get her in the mindset of taking care of herself and not falling for what they feed her.

Your story – though MUCH more severe than mine – is really moving and hit home for me.

I’ve always felt that if ONE person could benefit from the hell of my past – that I would feel it was all worth it. You strike me as that type of person too – that if anything you went through can help someone – that you would feel good.

me: oh L that is such a beautiful thing to say.

L: That’s why I wanted to share it with you. Your story has had a HUGE impact on my family and my children.

Not to say that I don’t want them to end up like you – more so that it should be a lesson for how they should and shouldn’t be treated.

me: (crying here… happy tears)

i don’t want anyone to ever have to experience that.

which is why i share.

L: And that they have a place – a home – and someone to protect them at all costs. K would absolutely protect them at all costs.

He choked several times reading your story to them – as I was holding back tears as well

Epiphany #2: This kinda shit is your paycheck. Period. Anything else is gravy.

There’s more. But it’s on more of a private slant. So when you think what you do doesn’t matter. Think again. When you think that you’re just sending things out into the universe with no purpose? There is a purpose. Even the most horrific things can bring healing. Even scars can be beautiful if seen in the right light. Share them. Share you. Even if you don’t think it matters… you never know WHO is reading/hearing/listening/watching. (Especially to my recovery folks. You might be the only Big Book/NA text someone ever sees.) Live it. Be it.

I didn’t read this note to the ninja’s… yet. Some things are better left for the time when they’re ‘grown’ enough to understand what happened. Perhaps I’ll never share it; but that just isn’t my style. But I’ll keep this message. Safe and tucked away inside. So that someday I can look back and say… it made a difference. Just once. All that crap… made a difference… somehow.

Epiphany day. Just keep trudging. Keep on keepin’ on. And you’ll get gifts you could never imagine. You changed my life today L and you might not realize that. I hope someday you’ll know what a gift you gave me. I thank you.

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funny.

Creativity No Responses »

Oct 042011

Be so good they can’t ignore you. ~ Steve Martin

I have seen much despair around the internets these days about the economy and money and unemployment and pay cuts and and and… yeah. More close to home, about work/neighborhood/school morale issues and how it impacts us all.

It can be rather discouraging to the point of riots. (google Occupy Wall Street)

Sure the economy stinks … but somehow people are still spending money on iPhones and computers and fixing their houses and TRYING to make a good life for themselves..

There IS a chance to live the life you’ve always wanted. Yes I know I’m an optimist. It’s up to YOU to … not give up. Miracles can wait around every corner of the interwebz. Utilize your technology to make YOUR world a better place. Use your gifts and the gadgets to promote yourself and the world. Be it photography or dance or music or writing or laughter or information dissemination.

SAY SOMETHING. BE SOMETHING. DO… SOMETHING.

and then… Do it so well that they can’t ignore you.

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nerve-us

Creativity 6 Responses »

Aug 252011

So. I’m sitting in a hotel room. Nerves got the better of me for a moment early this morning; when I was packing and getting three little blonde girls ready for school and chaos set in and the enormity of traveling and and and … boom. I went out into the morning air while the girls piled in the van … and I breathed deeply of the morning air. And allowed myself to feel… NERVOUS.

Before my morning flight, I then did all my “stuff” that I do… you know. Meditate, focus, center, write, swear, do jumping jacks, stand on my head, write, swear again… yeah,that stuff. On the plane I began wondering about the idea of fear/nervousness and how it was a good thing… to be nervous… yes I know it sounds stupid… no I’m not delusional… yes I will explain.

Being nervous lets you know that something is IMPORTANT. (please do not get this confused with anxiety which is determined to be a brain chemistry issue. I am only speaking of when BIG things happen … first dates, public speaking, moving, umm job interviews, traveling, et cetera et cetera) The nervousness you feel in a stressful (good as well as not so good) situations. Flustery butterflies and dilating pupils and heart racing and… wow it sorta sounds like EXCITEMENT.

Hold the boat. Could being nervous be reframed into being excited? What a mindset change THAT would be. To channel all that kinetic electric energy (that is POWERFUL) into a positive force?

Seth Godin quote

Make big promises.

Burn your boats.

Set yourself up in a place where you have few options and the stakes are high.

Focused energy and serious intent will push you to do your best work. You have nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

Passion. Do you have the nervous excited passion for what you’re doing? (be it personal or professional) If not… why not? Creativity sparks energy nerve ending electrical impulses that rocket you into life at the speed of win. Risk takers succeed. They may fail first… but they thrive on the creative juice that changes the world.

I sat next to the most fantastic fabulous woman on my flight today. We struck up a conversation that made the time fly by … was I nervous to talk to a stranger? No. I like talking. Was I nervous to talk to this obviously sophisticated polished woman who I want to be like when I grow up? No. Okay a little. It was EXCITING to ask someone who manages an international recruiting company questions. It was challenging and fun and I kept willing myself to not say something stupid (those who know me will TOTALLY get this) We laughed. It was the best chat I’ve had in a long time. And it was important.

When you do BIG things there is a shock that runs through you and to other people. The excitement, the energy, is contagious. People can’t HELP but respond (unless they’re really really pissy and then who cares). Nervous – excitement – zest for life – adrenaline anticipation propels us… if we let it. Ask successful folks, they LOVE feeling nervous. Seriously. Being out of your comfort zone is important for growth. If everything was easy there’d be nothing to work toward. Embrace those feelings and relish them; they simply signify that what you’re doing? Well it’s important.

Nervous = Excitement = Passion = Success.

So as I sit here typing tonight – in a hotel room miles and miles from home… I’m nervously excited. And I’m glad to be so. Go big or go home. Right? Right.

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masturbation.

Creativity, you've got to be kidding me. No Responses »

Mar 272011

One of the very first blogs written by yours truly on November 21st, 2009. Oh the brashness of impetuous youth. *eye roll* Although I must say I DO like the message … not too shabby for having NO idea what I was doing yes? Yes. LOL Amateurish … but hey the definition of amateur means ( according to Macmillan Dictionary anyway) someone who does something because they enjoy it instead of as a job. I like the idea of that. However I like the idea of making money as a professional writer and staying home with my ninjas and being a full time mommy and doing something I love for a living and and and … well yeah. BUT … we all have to start somewhere. Remember these two quotes.

Every artist was first an amateur. Ralph Waldo Emerson

A professional writer is an amateur who didn’t quit. Richard Bach

So yeah. One of the very first pieces of me. Called Masturbation (sensationalism will get you everywhere. ha.)

Love yourself. Be in love … with who you are.
Masturbation of the soul if you will.
Get off … on you.

Earlier a friend said she wasn’t “good enough” for
someone, pre-date angst but got the noggin thumpin.
I believe in me. Who I am, what I feel, how I think,
kindness in my heart; I like it all. My so called life
flaws … I dig them too. Bratty and impatient, silly
snarky (that’s for you snarkaliscious), brash and
dontgiveaflyinshit, tenderhearted and cryin easy like
sunday morning; makes up the me that I see in the fogged
up mirror.

Like yourself, but not TOO much they say, cause that’s arrogance.
They are full of shit. Love is never arrogance and be
prepared for haters if you dig you, cause lots don’t or
can’t do the same. Ignore snide arrogance comments.
Fuck arrogance. False pride is easily seen through and
takes away from all it sees. Real self love, loves love,
and lifts all around it high, like the pie in the sky.
Anyone who tells you different doesn’t know self love,
the kind that gets you through the bullshit of the dark
cave.

Be my own best friend. That is cud I chew over and
over and over again. What would I tell my best friend to
do? How gently would I care for her feelings at the same
time loving her enough to say the shit no one else will.
There’s food on your teeth and yes those jeans make your
ass look big; but big asses are in style ask Jenny from
block.

Confidence is sexy. People will treat you the same damn way
you do. Every time. Love and embrace who you are … get rid
of the negative messages taught by people who can’t really see.
Wreckage of the past is just that. Stop rubberneckin. Change
the script. Be you. Embrace you. LOVE you. Best friend style.
Have a date with you, take you to the park, hold yer own hand,

buy yourself flowers; stop bein a bad date.

You are golden baby. Precious child of the universe you are.

Gentleness and ass kickin are both required in this endeavor.

Until you realize the amazingness within … no one else will.

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recovery???

Creativity, Emotional Intelligence, Expression 5 Responses »

Mar 212011

Okay. Explanation time. I’ve been fiddling with the site for a little while now. You might think … what the hell is she doing now? Yeah. I think that too. See I had a page on facebook from which a large portion of my traffic was directed. And then … it got deleted. (haters. pffft.) Anyway, it shook me, more than I care to admit. (which I think I just did. hmm.) But true to form I just trudged on despite the fact I lost 1500 plus readers and a good portion of my writing and a decent bit of self confidence and … and … and … yeah. That.

Pick yourself up by your bootstraps they say. So I do. We do. Writing and posting for the sake of momentum and sticktuitiveness. Writing is my “thing” now. There used to be a time where identifying myself as such was new. No longer. Intrinsic and innate. Sounds silly perhaps but words matter. The journey to blogging glory is a long, hard one sometimes. No quick fixes here. And I am totally okay with that. I’ve never been afraid of hard work.

And then it hit me … after reading a post by my bff J *waves at J*, who is epic and smart and more of a motivator than he knows. (Also coming out with the fabulosity of Daily Suicide – because mistakes must be made – et cetera. Watch for it. He’s brilliant.) So down the rabbithole I went to a blog called Tribal Writer. A podcast called … why the world needs you to be a creative badass. And yeah asskicking epiphany time. Remembering where I came from and what it was like to struggle to learn how to build my own site. To the first few blogs that scared the hell out of me … to the commitment of writing daily with all the other responsibilities life throws my way.

A real pic of the fabulous Ms. Musk ... Tribal Writer. She kicks ass.

I fell in love with blogging all over again. And have another new muse to add to the creative soul. (Thank you Ms. Musk. You saved my life last night.)

I remembered that content matters more than an extremely complicated site. That all the bells and whistles in the world can’t beat a heartfelt creative post. I lost my edgy when I lost my readers. Silly? Yeah. Confidence is a fragile thing you know.

So here’s to new beginnings. Paradigm shifts. Back to transparency and real and actualized and what I do … how I do … like I do. Irreverent actualization with a recovery chaser.

Recovery? Well we’re ALL recovering from something yes? Even if it’s just the herd mentality. Truly the creative spirit is stifled at every turn. Sad really. Messages like … “you can’t make a living from that” … or “you’re wasting your time” … or “just be like everyone else” are spit out WAY too much in our lives. Differences are frowned upon and any deviation is met with resistance.

I’m in recovery from lots of things … lessons learned from dysfunctional family systems, alcoholism, unhealthy relationships, most of all … myself. Oh yes and I’m hopelessly addicted to the ellipsis (thank you wiki wiki wiki). Perception is a bitch that must be slapped. That’s my hope/goal/dream/aspiration. AND … the purpose of this blog.

So whether or not you realize it … recovery is a state of mind that leads to the golden path of “this is who I choose to be – ism”. Conscious decision making to perpetuate transparency and actualization. Or to keep it simple … be freakin’ real and accept who you are and get all the crud outta the way so you can BE who you are way deep down inside. Where it counts. I like the idea of that.

And content? Be it typed or thought or spoken or imagined … matters. You and me? We MATTER. Creativity says this is so. Let’s do this thing. I’ll show you my ass if you show me yours. (nice one by the way. I’ve seen pictures.) See you round the web. Read a girl. *mwah*

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play!

Creativity, Mommyness No Responses »

Mar 172011

It’s that time of year again. Where warm weather predicates park time and thinking of getting the swimming pool up and running. The time where the buds are thinking of peeking out at any given moment, and the windows … ARE OPEN. Warmth of the sun lights up small faces and grubby hands are exhausted from a day of hard playing in the dirt. Yeah. I love spring. I love … play.

We as grown folk often forget how important playfulness is to our well being. With bills and toys all over the house and laundry and getting up early for work, there never seems to be enough time for me to get anything done. Add attempting to make a living at writing on top of it and it’s hair pulling time (and not in the sexy way either). Frustration can set in for me when I overextend myself with WAY too many things taken on at one time.

As a mother, I finally understand the saying, each one of your children is a full time job. A loved and cherished job, but work nonetheless. If I don’t do everything letter perfect, all the way down to the homemade dinners every night … I feel like I’m slacking. (An overbearing critical mother helps reinforce that idea. I love you Mom but shut it already.) You can eat off my floors at the end of the night but to what end? I need to chill really. Anyway back to the topic …

We, as grown folk, don’t find enough time to play. To run and jump and climb and get dirty from the playground or digging in the dirt or yelling loud and pretending that you’re a ninja and fighting the pirates … and not care what your hair looks like or what time it is or what needs to be done next. PLAY. It’s an extremely important part of a childs evolution and growth, both physically and psychologically. If YOU’RE not willing to play … what does that teach the young ones in your life?

I color. I play with blocks. I sing songs at the top of my lungs and have dance parties with my mini ninjas. Laugh just because I can and cut loose to release tension that I didn’t even know I had. It not only brings ME release but it does wonders for my daughters.

I need to do this more often. Being the “driven” type (verging on obsessive), I want to get things DONE. NOW. YESTERDAY. Pffft. The folded laundry can stay in the damn basket til tomorrow night. Two blog posts and a poem or two a day is freakin’ OKAY. Playing with my daughters takes precedence. It has to. Besides, it’s just fun. Whether you have kids or not … buy a coloring book and a fresh pack of Crayolas or turn the music up loud and have your own dance party. It’ll do wonders for your creativity, not to mention make you smile. And know what? You look AMAZING when you smile. You deserve it.

Go play.

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