So. You find yourself in the land of “Why me?”. Or “Why does my life suck?” “Why do I keep choosing the same type of man (or woman)?” Why? Why? Why? How can the same scenario be on constant ipod replay over and over and over … yet again. Be it relationships, work situations, money issues, et. cetera… we choose.
Say huh? Choose? Do people choose to be victims? Do they choose to be put in bad situations? Do they choose when bad things happen? No. Not always… HOWEVER – if the same ugly head of a situation rears time after time; yes we do choose. What feels familiar or comfortable may not APPEAR that way to the outside world but it’s what we know to be true. Rather, what we “perceive” as our truth. Most folks just say “it’s just the way I am.” Pretty hopeless and helpless if you ask me.
I’m not talking about a victim of happenstance; shark attacks or muggings or rape or anything of the sort. I’m talking more of a “perpetual victim mindset”, the kind that keeps happening on replay. The kind of person who seems to have the “worst luck ever” in relationships or jobs or … yeah. I’m hopin’ you’re pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down here. Almost like extortion to the soul, we keep buying into the blackmail and paying the high ransom. When is enough, enough???
What we project we attract. If I dislike me then why would anyone else like me? If I think I can’t I won’t. If all I’ve ever known is abuse then THAT (somewhere deep down inside) is what we will attract and seek out. The warning signs of unhealthy that would make another run for the hills, makes us say “aww he’s just misunderstood.” Yeah. Sure. Or “my boss doesn’t like me so I won’t get a promotion” you can be sure that your behavior will show that schemata.
So how is this a payoff? Good question.
Victim mindset tells me that “It’s not my fault”. I can continue to blame the rest of the world (men, bosses, parents, anyone within reach) so that I can STAY SICK. I know it sounds silly. But truthfully it’s not (usually) a conscious thing. Subconsciousness or back-of-the-brain-ism-that-is-not-apparent, is to blame. That’s where all the sick hides really. Deny, deny, deny that the problem is ME. Because then I don’t have to do the work to change.
Perpetual victims (we’ll call it PV. ooh sounds like a disease and it sorta is really) don’t take responsibility for the payoff. It’s damn scary to change your whole mindset and the work is NOT easy. I’m sure you know this. It’s very very VERY difficult to take a look at your sick and do the work to change, especially because we’re not always aware of what we are doing. The PV sick will drive a healthful person away in a heartbeat.
Having expectations that everyone will treat us the way they ALWAYS have … and acting accordingly is the name of the game. Subconscious markers of “watch out” cause us to jump before we even realize the dance is happening – again. “I’m sure he/she will be mad because … ” (fill in the blank. it matters not the situation) The payoff being confirmation of the thought process. Stimuli is interpreted through the PV filter and skewed to fit into our comprehension. The other person reacts to our PV prompts and VOILA. Expectation filled.
Sound familiar? Like someone you may know? *raised eyebrow* Perhaps not. But know this one simple fact. There is ALWAYS a payoff for our behavior. Being conscious of what you’re trying to buy is key. Life not going the way you’d like? Perhaps time to do an exercise on what you’re projecting to the world at large. Examples on exactly how to do this? Sure.
Perpetual Victim Healthful Challenge
I can’t do anything right. What DO I do well?
I always attract sick people. What am I looking for in a partner?
I never succeed. How am I getting in my own way?
I can’t save money. Sit down and make a budget.
I’m a horrible person. Pro and con list of personality traits.
I’m helpless and stuck. Goal setting to increase personal power.
These are rather vague and can be pared down to what fits best with your thought processes. Difficult? Sort of. The pain of change has to be less than the pain of staying the same. Change<Same. When it hurts enough … it’ll happen. It did for me. Now? I take a daily inventory of my behaviors and get rid of the ones that don’t fit. Or try to anyhow – I’m still, and will always be, a work in process. I don’t send myself cut up letters on a ransom note anymore at least. THAT? Is priceless. No more extortion of the soul for this chick … that is the primary directive. How about you?
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