Emotional Intelligence » Sassifiable

head-down-ism

Apr 082013

So this weekend was filled with baseball and softball. Saturday was opening day with a parade and games and seeing that 4 of 6 of our Pirate Ninjas are playing… well yeah… we were busy.

As I helped with the batting line-ups and warming up the munchkins to whack that ball… I looked around at all the “grown folks” in the stands. All the fields were full of playing kids so there were tons of parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles and other family watching. Tons of pictures taken and smart phones flashing to get images of their cherubs running bases.

The thing that amazed me was how many of these grown folks still had their heads down after shooting pictures. As if it couldn’t wait until AFTER the game to be posted to facebook. As if checking their status was more important than cheering for their child’s team. The amount of head-down-ism was astronomical.

Yes I took a few pictures. But then I put the phone away. I had to. I was helping and yelling and cheering for ALL the kids… because that’s what was required. At least by my standards it was required.

I’m not blaming or shaming just stating. I used to do it too. When my kids were around, I’d check my status or post something to the goog stream, in waiting rooms or the dentist office or at games or or or… yeah I stopped that. I forced myself to consciously stop incessantly checking my phone. A random text answered or sent is all I’ll do now during any activity. Those few minutes can be spent reading a short story or hearing the precious words of a little one or laughing or singing or listening or watching… them… with them.

I’ve resolved that mindfulness comes first. Images can be posted at another time… the internet WILL survive without me for a bit. It’s much more important to be present during the important times. With my head up and eyes shining and being completely present to the very best of my ability.

My children deserve that. I deserve that. I don’t want to miss a thing.

~ a.G.~

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power

Emotional Intelligence, Relationships, Self Esteem 1 Response »

Mar 232013

Why do we minimize violence when it happens between two people in a relationship? Because we don’t want to get involved? Because it’s “under the covers” and “under the radar” when it really should be under the fucking microscope?

Violence against a family member should be no different than violence happening out in the middle of town in front of everyone… except for the fact that it’s more heinous due to it’s insidious secrecy.

Batterers know exactly what they’re doing, thriving on equal parts fear and charm. Making you feel on top of the world one minute and a piece of shit the next. A roller coaster, that in the beginning makes huge leaps between “getting flowers” and “getting backhanded”. Slowly and surely decreasing a person’s ideas of what is acceptable behavior… until the abused person is simply grateful for a day without violence (emotional or physical).

This is the slow, calculated, debilitating effect of brainwashing a person into learned helplessness. Tension building (walking on eggshells) lasts longer and longer, the explosions come faster and faster, and the honeymoon phase becomes relatively non-existent. Denial is ever present… because if I admit I’m in an abusive relationship then I have to fucking DO something about it and that means I made a POOR CHOICE in a partner.

Personal accountability sucks but it’s the only way to move from victim… to survivor.

Batterers have a very low rate of success in changing their behavior… it’s about POWER DIFFERENTIALS. If I believe you to be weaker/less than/inferior than me? Well it’s very unlikely that that will change. Read more: http://www.stopvaw.org/effectiveness_of_batterers_intervention_programs

If you saw a person abusing their partner/spouse/child in public… tearing them down or calling them names or backhanding them or grabbing them by the neck or stabbing them with an object… you’d be shocked and horrified yes? You might intervene or call the police. We know that children who are abused are loyal to their abusive parents and “dont’ want to leave”. (at least that was my experience as an investigator of such matters).

Very similar feelings of misplaced loyalty stem from abused spouses or abused parents/boyfriends/girlfriends et cetera. Sometimes we don’t know… that we don’t know… that things won’t change… or how very “wrong” the situation has become.

We see a black eye and look the other way. Notice a severe difference in a friend’s behavior and say nothing. It’s not our business. Not our concern. Not our problem. They’re grown. They can handle their own business. We don’t want to interfere.

Maybe that idea needs to change. Maybe you should be that one person who isn’t afraid to say what needs to be said. Just maybe you should be a positive rabble-rouser and stand up for people… even if they get mad at ya.

(I dub this post “Lessons from a Domestic Violence counselor… and survivor of an abusive relationship” or ~~Physician~~ Counselor heal thyself.)

~ a.G.~

*note that there are no gender specifications here. there is just as much abuse occurring across both sexes. it’s about power.

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think think think

Emotional Intelligence, Self Esteem 1 Response »

Mar 212013

You see me ~~rollin’~~ writin’. You ~~hatin~~ readin’… over and over and over yet again about the root cause of our problems is the way we think. For those of you who do not know, I spent a decade in the “helping” profession.

Therapist of the mental health kind as a licensed social worker. Multiple years working with women’s issues, domestic violence outpatient therapy as well as work in shelters, victim’s advocate, AoD addiction treatment, investigator for children’s services… and more. So yeah… me and the DSM were buds. Bringing me to my therapy of choice… Cognitive Behavioralist with a penchant for Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy.

Whosa whatsits? Right. Read the following two paragraphs and then we’ll get down to it. (from http://psychology.about.com/od/typesofpsychotherapy/a/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy.htm)

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations, and events. The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to feel / act better even if the situation does not change.

REBT, created by Albert Ellis, focuses on helping clients change irrational beliefs. As he treated patients, he became increasingly dissatisfied with the results offered by traditional psychoanalytic therapy. He noted that while his patients were able to become aware of their underlying problems, their behavior did not actually change.

Ellis suggested that people mistakenly blame external events for unhappiness. He argued, however, that it is our interpretation of these events that truly lies at the heart of our psychological distress.

To explain this process, Ellis developed what he referred to as the ABC Model:

A Activating Event: Something happens in the environment around you.
B Beliefs: You hold a belief about the event or situation.
C Consequence: You have an emotional response to your belief.

Holy crap. Yes I made you read. Quit sniveling about it. So how do we change what happens to us? How do we become an active participant in our lives? How do we change the way we think and believe and thereby change our behaviors and attitudes?

1. Identifying the underlying irrational thought patterns and beliefs.
write it down. write it down. write it down. Write out what you believe to be true. About anything you like.
“People hate me”
“I’m worthless”
“Everyone is out to get me”
“No one really cares”
“It’s everyone else… not me”

2. Challenging the irrational beliefs.
This is the hard part. As a therapist I had to confront the ever loving lalaloopsie out of irrational beliefs. My mantra was “What evidence do you have to support that thought” or “Why is this true? Give details please” If you have enough awareness to do this for yourself… then do so. (I’ve got journals with journals that have diaries about their journals) If not? Seek out a reliable source. Someone that you know will tell you the truth.

3. Gaining Insight and Recognizing Irrational Thought Patterns.
Changing those irrational thoughts you listed by replacing them with reality based statements. (people would think I was crazy because I would stop talking and change my sentences all the time)

I felt as a counselor, a woman in recovery herself, and someone seeking awareness… that it wasn’t okay for me to tell someone else what to do without doing it my damn self. To go from “Everyone is out to get me” to “I am responsible for my behavior and responses. No one would spend that much time thinking about me. I’m simply not that important.”

Challenge… irrational beliefs. Carry the healthy responses on notecards everywhere you go. It took a long time for those irrational thoughts to take root… it’s gonna take work to get rid of them. It’s work… but it’s worth it. It can be the best thing you ever do for yourself.

~ a.G.~

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deliberately

Emotional Intelligence No Responses »

Jan 222013

Deliberate practice – is designed, can be repeated a lot, requires constant feedback, is highly demanding mentally, and isn’t much fun.

“If it seems a bit depressing that the most important thing you can do to improve performance is no fun, take consolation in this fact: It must be so. If the activities that lead to greatness were easy and fun, then everyone would do them and they would not distinguish the best from the rest. The reality that deliberate practice is hard can even be seen as good news. It means that most people won’t do it. So your willingness to do it will distinguish you all the more.” ~ Geoff Colvin from the book “Talent is overrated.”

Passion and perseverance are where it’s at. There is no such thing as natural born talent. There just isn’t. (This was a hard one for me to swallow too trust me) The not-so-secret secret to being “world class” is drive anddeliberate practice.

Deliberate practice is going above and beyond. It’s practicing scales until your fingers are numb. It’s waking up early and doing things when it’s least comfortable. It’s getting and staying outside of your comfort zone. Looking at the “I don’t wanna” and kicking it’s ever-loving ass.

I suck at deliberate practice. I never used to. I was ever so disciplined and woke up early to write before my karmic job, stayed up til the wee hours writing. Then life hit… hard… with good stuff (like getting paid to write for other people and being mommy and house elf to six).

But like my buddy Jake says in the kick ass meme below….

Right.

Even and especially when it’s not comfortable.

~ a.G.~

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stress free Christmas

Emotional Intelligence, Mommyness 2 Responses »

Dec 102012

This is a first.

The first Christmas in a new house with a new blended family. New traditions and money managing and new ways of thinking of holiday seasons. The gifts, the packaging, the family, the expectation, the stress… it’s enough to kill a girl. So I stopped. I stopped and I reframed and I thought about things… all the way through.

Coming from different backgrounds presents it’s own obstacles. My husband, being Scottish, was raised having nice refined low key holidays with a few meaningful gifts under a real tree purchased right before Christmas. My family? Over the top is an understatement. My mom (and I love her for it) makes Christmas wayyyyyyyyy special. Trees in every room and two hour present opening sessions at five in the morning on the special day.

A girl can’t help but have some of that over the top-ism rub off. Christmas used to be a time of panic and freaking out because I couldn’t keep up with my parents in the gift department. Worried that it wasn’t going to be magical enough or decorated enough or just plain… not enough. It became more about stuff than it did just spending time together.

This year. This year is a first. I put up my fancy tree that wasn’t quite so fancy this year graced with handmade paper snowflakes by the mini Pirate Ninja crew (which actually makes it the fanciest tree I’ve ever had) Placed my lighted garlands (with more snowflakes) and hung up a few decorations around the house. The kids each have a little tree that they had a super good time decorating in their rooms; simple with just lights and few balls. And then we went together as a family and got our real fir tree for the playroom that the kids decorated all by themselves.

It was a blast. And not TOO much. Just enough I think, to make extra special super special for them. It’s not about showing off, it’s about making the holiday bright for the wee ones.

Presents? One really big special gift and then a few smaller ones for good measure for all six of them. They’ll be getting gifts from grandparents and extended family under the tree too.

The most important gift we’ll be giving our children is not freaking out over the holidays. A laid back, relaxing, FUN day (for once), without Mommy being sick to her stomach because she’s not enough. Toys are forgotten quickly… it’s the time spent together that matters most. Finally… at the age of 40, I GET it. Finally.

It is enough. It’s more than enough. All I want for Christmas, I already have. More than I ever thought possible. Thanks Santa… I musta been a reallygood girl this year.

Merry Stress Free Christmas ♥

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apathetic

Emotional Intelligence 1 Response »

Nov 182012

Inner voices. And no not the schizophrenic me, myself, and ID kind. The internal messages that cause mumbo jumbo that often times we cannot even discern. Taken as “truth” these messages are given so unlovingly by our experiences. (yes I’m talking about perception. again. consistency is key people. get with it.) A voice whispering flawed data to your core, telling you memorex memories from unreliable sources.

~
Don’t get me wrong here people. Feelings are awesome. It’s the whole TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING-ISM… that gets me. Case in point when asking my patients in treatment (yes I was a therapist of the mental health order) to point out their feelings on the “feelings chart” I did too. And I said to myself ERMEGHERD I FEEL ALL OF THE ABOVE. And too much of them. Gah. Counselors can be a sick bunch. Trust me.

Anyway I became aware that oo much too much … toooooo much of a good thing is… TOO MUCH.

Apathy. Given a bad rap by the masses, this word has become my friend. Mirriam and her beau Webster have told me that apathy means: lack of feeling or emotion :impassiveness or lack of interest or concern : indifference. For an “over-feeler” (as I was raised to be) this word is bliss. Explain? But of course. *curtsy*

All my life I’ve FELT, meaning lived in emotional brain. What does THAT mean? Well I could easily pause here and delve into a deep discussion for those who love neuroscience (like me) and go from Darwin’s studies of the emotional brain to MacLean’s exploration into the limbic system and then the Canon-Bard theory using angry cats as lab rats (?) ahem. Or how in 1937 Papez proposed a new ideology for the way the brain routes feelings versus thought. I won’t. But you very easily can read a much more learned person on the subject HERE. Fascinating stuff. Tim Dalgleish explains it far better than I. But the amygdala? (oh how I love thee amygdala. let me count the ways.) THAT we may look into. Or not so much. One only has so much time to write you know. But trust me when I say it IS possible to change your brain chemistry to be LESS emotional. It is.

Okay okay okay … enough name throwing and brain chemistry-ism. (oh that does get me all flustery though. hot. brain.) Back to explanations. I was raised by an over-reactor. EVERYTHING was a trauma. Gasps and exclamations and exaggerations were common fare. Daily occurrences included overt lying (exaggerating), high drama, talking behind backs judgmentally, and shame. My DAD on the other hand … never said a bad word about anyone. Ever. Calm cool collected and apathetic in many ways… HE was who I wanted to be like. Unflappable. Good self concept. Oh… yes I was speaking of my mother if you didn’t notice. Lovely woman, kind and beautiful, over-reactor? Hell yes. But then again she was raised that way. So … was I.

Stuck in a feelings rut. Impulsivity and irrational were viable choices. Doing something just because it “FELT GOOD” was rarely the right answer. It got me (and still sometimes does) into all kinds of messes. Interpersonal relationships pretty much sucked because they were based on pure emotion. The second it stopped ‘FEELING GOOD’ I was out. Ran away faster than a jackrabbit looking to get laid. Totally unaware that I created the negative situation by looking for the wrong types of men. The instant quick fix hot and heavy bad boy who looked sooo good but was in reality sooooooo bad… for me. If my parents hated them all the better. Yeah. That felt good. Friendships were based on drinking (of course) and who could meet MY needs (now this is all in retrospect which is crystal clear you know … I didn’t realize it at the time. sheesh.). Selfish – feeling mind set – touchy goody goodness that rotted my soul and gave me epic cavities. No amount of flouride could wash away the sick choices. Not even a little bit.

And what about THIS passive aggressive BS … being a pansy ass because I didn’t want to hurt anyone ELSE’S feelings? Martyr-ism. I suffer because I don’t want you to dislike me. omg. Because if you dislike me then apparently the world will end … somehow. wtf? It’s really called living in fear and cowardice doesn’t look good on anyone. The classic “nothing” syndrome. What’s wrong? NOTHING. What’s the matter? NOTHING. Oh that’s so irritating. When all your body language conveys that SOMETHING IS NOT QUITE RIGHT? Nothing is a cop out.

Feel feel feel … rational doesn’t play here anymore. *sigh* That was then. A long time ago. So what did I do? How did it change? What became different? Well insight is one thing. You can’t change something unless you’re aware. Yes? Yes. Getting sober did that for me. At the tender age of 19 I had to come face to face with how my choices ruined pretty much everything. SMACK. And even still, in the last 18 years since crawling into recovery, it’s been a struggle. The last two plus years has brought great focus into this change. Now it is innate. Thank the gods… whoever they may be.

You change. THAT is what you do. I did. Am doing. Gah. Attempting to NOT care SOOO much. It works for me. The old saying “If it doesn’t directly affect your breathing then it’s none of your business” is applicable here. Reminding yourself/myself what is important and what is just NOT. This is done by inventories and self exploration. A difficult but worthy endeavor. But nothing easy is worth having right? Right.

To be able to walk in a room with complete confidence? To be able to stand in front of thousands and speak/perform? To have a calm sense of self assurance radiate through my conscious self? Hell yes. THAT is the outcome of this selectively apathetic approach. And honestly? No matter how much I FEEL about something … the only thing that changes the outcome is doing the work. Changing behaviors is key. So in effect viewing life from a less feeling based paradigm fits with my recovery choices. I over E people. (intellect over emotion) It… is a choice to have balance between the two. Intellect and emotional brain working hand in hand. Equal partners in which intellect and wisdom are on top. Emotion likes being a bottom better anyway. You don’t wanna know how I know … that. I strive for a culmination of emotional intelligence … no it’s not contraindicated. Shush. It is possible. Think of a combination of Spock and James T Kirk … not a trekkie? Ummm okay Claudia Schiffer and Oprah and Hillary Clinton? Oh just use your own examples. Sheesh.

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tint

Emotional Intelligence No Responses »

Nov 122012

Sometimes we focus so much on what is wrong that we forget to remember beauty that is all around us.

A kind word. A smile. Seeing two people really in love. Holding a little hand. Being held by strong arms. A sincere compliment out of the blue. An unexpected treasure. Serendipity.

It’s all about how we tint our glasses.

How we view the world is shaped by these perceptionary spectacles, and of course our perception is molded by experience. For example, I’ve always been taught to be stoic, to observe the problems in my life but to suffer silently because that’s just what women do. Lessons learned from baby boomer parental units who completely missed the whole hippie thing.

We serve. We honor. We do it without complaint or concern for ourselves. We cook and clean and caretake and fold and wash and scrub and transport and feed and vacuum and listen and nurture… with a smile. I’m sure many men have been taught the same lesson;provide for the family without so much as a peep about you because that’s what men do. This isn’t a gender post but I don’t have a penis so I can’t speak for men. I’m good with that)

Asking for what I needed in a relationship was a no-no. My family operated under the premise “If you don’t care enough to know what’s wrong then you don’t care enough”. Ugh. Mind reader-ism. Never ends well.

So, with all that semi-ugly back history unloaded, I work (and am working) to diligently focus on changing my tint. Painting the landscape with self care and seeing the best in myself AND others.

If we focus on the negative in another person (spouse, child, friends, whomsoevers) then that is what we will always see. Everyone has flaws but sometimes our tint magnifies these things. Remember this if you don’t read anything else I write this morning…

We treat others how we feel about ourselves.

If I don’t like me and judge me… and have unrealistic expectations of me… then certainly that will be projected to you somehow… someway. Get those glasses cleaned and start seeing the colors all around. SEE yourself for the
amazing, capable person you are. Flawed? Of course. But some of the very best characteristics… the most endearing things in others… are flaws. Perfection doesn’t exist.

Find your tint.

~ a.G.~

photo by Dylan Porteus www.flickr.com/photos/dylanporteus/

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me me me

Emotional Intelligence No Responses »

Nov 102012

It’s one of the prevailing characteristics of the human condition, a basic tenant of survival and success… thinking of oneself. We have to do this self awareness dance or nothing ever changes. Introspection is vital to a well lived life. Being able to focus on yourself so that you’re aware of things that fit and (hopefully) things that do not fit… with who you’re striving to be today is uber important.

And if you think about it people really really like talking about themselves. It’s a conversation booster… prompting self disclosure. If you want a person to feel comfortable and desired, you smatter a bit of such self disclosure in with a bunch of questions about them. And then you listen… and then talk… and then listen… this is called conversation.

Give and take right? I share a little and then you share a little and then we find common interests and shared dreams and goals and aspirations. This is called bonding and relating. This is the good stuff. But it’s a dance.

One person talks too much too long and you end up with swollen toes from being stepped on incessantly. You talk about yourself too much and you lose dance partners left and right.

Ever been in a one sided conversation (or relationship)? Where you find yourself listening much much more than you speak? Where your partner focuses on their needs, their wants, their desires, their interests, them… selves? It’s not fun. Trust me on this.

Conversely have you found yourself with a person who won’t share? This also is selfishness, just the flip side of the same coin. You’re pulling and pushing a prodding and asking and tugging and dying to getsome kind of response but to no avail. Silence and “Nothing” is all you get. Not much fun either.

The dance of relationships (and life if you think about it) is balance. A dance partner that can move withyou, step for step. You may need to learn to dance together but that’s okay as long as there is willingness to try. Imbalanced partners make for shitty dancing.

Focusing on yourself is fantastic when you use your superpowers for good. And by good I mean developing a healthful view of yourself with humility. (Humility being defined as being no better or worse than anyone else) But too much focus on yourself… too much talking about yourself… too much me me me… leads to generally pissing people off. Not enough talking about yourself, not standing up for yourself or getting your own needs met leads to being an emotional punching bag of your own making. Silence can also be a manipulative tool.

Ebb and flow people… ebb and flow. Find yours… get off the overt me kick… get your back up off the wall – flower. Balance is key. It’s NOT all about you… or all about ME… it’s all about WE.

~ a.G.~

disclaimer: yes this might sound like fluffy froo froo BS but it’s truth. no injuries were incurred in the writing of this post from touchy feely emotions but the writers street cred is shot. totally worth it

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payoffs and other nonsense.

Emotional Intelligence, you've got to be kidding me. No Responses »

Oct 192012

So. You find yourself in the land of “Why me?”. Or “Why does my life suck?” “Why do I keep choosing the same type of man (or woman)?” Why? Why? Why? How can the same scenario be on constant ipod replay over and over and over … yet again. Be it relationships, work situations, money issues, et. cetera… we choose.

Say huh? Choose? Do people choose to be victims? Do they choose to be put in bad situations? Do they choose when bad things happen? No. Not always… HOWEVER – if the same ugly head of a situation rears time after time; yes we do choose. What feels familiar or comfortable may not APPEAR that way to the outside world but it’s what we know to be true. Rather, what we “perceive” as our truth. Most folks just say “it’s just the way I am.” Pretty hopeless and helpless if you ask me.

I’m not talking about a victim of happenstance; shark attacks or muggings or rape or anything of the sort. I’m talking more of a “perpetual victim mindset”, the kind that keeps happening on replay. The kind of person who seems to have the “worst luck ever” in relationships or jobs or … yeah. I’m hopin’ you’re pickin’ up what I’m puttin’ down here. Almost like extortion to the soul, we keep buying into the blackmail and paying the high ransom. When is enough, enough???

What we project we attract. If I dislike me then why would anyone else like me? If I think I can’t I won’t. If all I’ve ever known is abuse then THAT (somewhere deep down inside) is what we will attract and seek out. The warning signs of unhealthy that would make another run for the hills, makes us say “aww he’s just misunderstood.” Yeah. Sure. Or “my boss doesn’t like me so I won’t get a promotion” you can be sure that your behavior will show that schemata.

So how is this a payoff? Good question.

Victim mindset tells me that “It’s not my fault”. I can continue to blame the rest of the world (men, bosses, parents, anyone within reach) so that I can STAY SICK. I know it sounds silly. But truthfully it’s not (usually) a conscious thing. Subconsciousness or back-of-the-brain-ism-that-is-not-apparent, is to blame. That’s where all the sick hides really. Deny, deny, deny that the problem is ME. Because then I don’t have to do the work to change.

Perpetual victims (we’ll call it PV. ooh sounds like a disease and it sorta is really) don’t take responsibility for the payoff. It’s damn scary to change your whole mindset and the work is NOT easy. I’m sure you know this. It’s very very VERY difficult to take a look at your sick and do the work to change, especially because we’re not always aware of what we are doing. The PV sick will drive a healthful person away in a heartbeat.

Having expectations that everyone will treat us the way they ALWAYS have … and acting accordingly is the name of the game. Subconscious markers of “watch out” cause us to jump before we even realize the dance is happening – again. “I’m sure he/she will be mad because … ” (fill in the blank. it matters not the situation) The payoff being confirmation of the thought process. Stimuli is interpreted through the PV filter and skewed to fit into our comprehension. The other person reacts to our PV prompts and VOILA. Expectation filled.

Sound familiar? Like someone you may know? *raised eyebrow* Perhaps not. But know this one simple fact. There is ALWAYS a payoff for our behavior. Being conscious of what you’re trying to buy is key. Life not going the way you’d like? Perhaps time to do an exercise on what you’re projecting to the world at large. Examples on exactly how to do this? Sure.

Perpetual Victim Healthful Challenge

I can’t do anything right. What DO I do well?

I always attract sick people. What am I looking for in a partner?

I never succeed. How am I getting in my own way?

I can’t save money. Sit down and make a budget.

I’m a horrible person. Pro and con list of personality traits.

I’m helpless and stuck. Goal setting to increase personal power.

These are rather vague and can be pared down to what fits best with your thought processes. Difficult? Sort of. The pain of change has to be less than the pain of staying the same. Change<Same. When it hurts enough … it’ll happen. It did for me. Now? I take a daily inventory of my behaviors and get rid of the ones that don’t fit. Or try to anyhow – I’m still, and will always be, a work in process. I don’t send myself cut up letters on a ransom note anymore at least. THAT? Is priceless. No more extortion of the soul for this chick … that is the primary directive. How about you?

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note to self…

Creativity, Emotional Intelligence 2 Responses »

Oct 122012

Yesterday was “International Day of the Girl”. There was a lovely post from CNN where they interviewed famous women to glean what they would’ve told their 15 year old selves. It was all very sweet and very empowering and rich and beautiful and inspiring.

I, however, would have told my 15 year old self many things.

1. Boys lie. A lot. Especially the ones that seem exciting. They won’t respect you in the morning. Keep your innocence as long as you can. The ones you should trust are the ones who don’t seem exciting right now. Change your perception of exciting.

2. You’re not nearly as disgusting as you think you are. You’re not ugly or strange or weird or inferior or stupid or any of those things you’ve been told and/or tell yourself. It’s okay to like reading more than fashion. It’s good to be smart. When you turn 16 don’t act dumb to fit in. Oh and you won’t really dig cheerleading (even though you are peppy and happy) so don’t even think about trying out. Stick with the band and choir. You’re really good at the drums and have a sweet voice. When you grow up you’ll learn how important your “smart” is.

3. Drinking doesn’t make you cool. If you continue to drink then you will become an alcoholic and pretty much lose everything… including your self respect.

4. When you turn thirty there is a man who will appear very charming. He will become known in the future as Prince Charmingless. You will have many problems as a result of this, including physical trauma that you will live with your entire life. You will also have three babies that you will love more than life. This is a good thing. Just lay off the chow during your first pregnancy k? K.

5. It’s okay to like sex. Just be choosy. When you’re OLDER. And on that note THIS is what your period means… THIS is what a clitoris is… THIS is what masturbation is… maybe if you know your own body and know what makes you feel good… you won’t be so easily convinced that three second sex is supposed to feel good to you. Intimacy with yourself first kiddo. (refer to point #1)

6. Grown ups aren’t always right.

7. Being the “good girl” is overrated and NO I’m not talking about sex (refer back to #5). Learn that it’s okay to stand up for yourself. You’re no one’s whipping girl. The world will not end if you say NO. The world will also not collapse if you are a bit sassy.

8. Don’t let your mom pick out your clothes anymore. Remember the “fluorescent” incident? Yeah. Stop that.

9-100 Not published due to time/tldr restrictions.

But being of a Doctor Who “spoilers” mindset… I realize that if I’d gone back and said all these things, if I’d changed even one iota of my existence as hard as it was at times, I wouldn’t be the woman I am right now. Having to fight for your life gives you courage that can never be taught otherwise. The only way through life is… straight through the middle. All those decisions and traumas and difficulties and tears and pain and dark lonely nights brought me to… me. I like me. I like that I know compassion and empathy. That I can show kindness and sincerity to those around me. I like that I’m not afraid of tears and that I can sit with someone in their fears. I like… me. Because of what I’ve gone through. Those of you that know me… know what that means. Those of you who do not read sassifiable.com/too-happy-my-ass/.

And because I like me… because of all the shit… I can like you too. You can’t give what you don’t have to give. Self love with humility goes a long long way.

So I wouldn’t tell my 15 year old self anything except this… “It’s all going to be okay.” And then kiss her on the forehead run my fingers through her long blonde hair and walk away.

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