I post a lot about kindness (and meanness too I suppose). and yes… I’ve received
hate mail about it.
Amy when you say that “you treat others the way you feel about yourself” you’re wrong. I treat other people MUCH better than I treat myself. I hate myself but would do anything for other people. So yeah. You’re wrong but I still like you.
Hmmm. Interesting. Especially the last sentence.
Why mean people are mean, if you know what I mean…
Mean people are so busy worrying about everyone seeing their “ick” and hating themselves, that they have to hate you too and point out YOUR flaws so as to not see their own. (run on sentence from hell. deal with it) If I’m looking at YOU and pointing out YOUR stuff then, for a brief moment, I’m not stuck in my own morass of hatred. I can look at YOU and step on YOUR neck as a reprieve from stepping on my own. This is the obvious mean person.
Why are sickeningly sweet nicety nice people not necessarily being nice? Loaded question and where the explanation-ish stuff comes into fruition.
1. Sometimes doing things for others isn’t kind. Especially when they are able to do them for themselves. Ever hear of the word enabling? It’s pimping off the other person to make yourself feel better. “I can’t possibly be a screw up awful person if I’m out saving the world.” Even though it appears that that person is wonderful… what is the motive? We can “give” to a fault. We can be too loving… too forgiving… tooooooo much. Just know that those people, many times, keep a running tally in their head. The “I can’t believe you did this to me after all I’ve done for you” get off the cross martyr speech isn’t far behind. Doing something for selfish reasons isn’t really kind at all now is it?
2. Allowing another person to mistreat you hurts them too. What??? Pain begets pain begets damage begets low self worth to the destructor as well as the destructee. (not a word. should be.) If you view karma as a boomerang (which you should if you don’t. it’s basic energy exchange.), what you send out into the world will come back to you. So if you allow yourself to be a punching bag (proverbially or literally) you’re obviously not helping you but you’re also allowing the abusive or mean person to damage themselves. (mindfuck I know. this worked well with domestic violence shelter patients. and on myself in my own experience with a batterer if i’m being honest)
3. Being nicety nice ALL the time is fake. IT’s just not possible. You’re not being real or genuine or being on the relationship two way street. You can’t always be a giver and have healthy relationships. (I fucking hated working on this one omg) Being genuine means getting down and dirty with the people in your life… showing who you really are, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and real and raw. Being kind isn’t always acting “as if” but about showing who you are and most importantly what you really feel. Anything else is fake.
4. Passive-Aggressive Defined by Merriam and her boytoy Webster as: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness). Being habitually late or not returning phone calls or avoidance or or or… “Who me? No I didn’t. You must be mistaken.” is the rhetoric of the passive aggressive meanie. shiver. not much fun at all.
Internal resentments are present with a “nicey nice”. I should know because once upon a time, a long time ago, I was once a nicety-nice girl. When bad things happened, I gathered ammunition with a smile, using the stored information at a later date. I would say things like “It’s no worry.” or “It’s fine.” I would bitch behind the person’s back, feeling completely justified because I had “helped” them and they “mistreated” me. Bullshit. I didn’t say what I needed or wanted from that relationship because I was scared. Scared of rejection and scared to stand up for myself and because it gave me power.
People that are truly kind are also kind to themselves. Period. Setting boundaries and allowing others to help you and sharing vulnerabilities and even saying NO once in awhile… all examples of kindness.
Remember… kindness doesn’t always look like what you may think.