I post a lot about kindness (and meanness too I suppose). and yes… I’ve received hate mail about it.

Amy when you say that “you treat others the way you feel about yourself” you’re wrong. I treat other people MUCH better than I treat myself. I hate myself but would do anything for other people. So yeah. You’re wrong but I still like you.

Hmmm. Interesting. Especially the last sentence.

Why mean people are mean, if you know what I mean…

Mean people are so busy worrying about everyone seeing their “ick” and hating themselves, that they have to hate you too and point out YOUR flaws so as to not see their own. (run on sentence from hell. deal with it) If I’m looking at YOU and pointing out YOUR stuff then, for a brief moment, I’m not stuck in my own morass of hatred. I can look at YOU and step on YOUR neck as a reprieve from stepping on my own. This is the obvious mean person.

Why are sickeningly sweet nicety nice people not necessarily being nice? Loaded question and where the explanation-ish stuff comes into fruition.

1. Sometimes doing things for others isn’t kind. Especially when they are able to do them for themselves. Ever hear of the word enabling? It’s pimping off the other person to make yourself feel better. “I can’t possibly be a screw up awful person if I’m out saving the world.” Even though it appears that that person is wonderful… what is the motive? We can “give” to a fault. We can be too loving… too forgiving… tooooooo much. Just know that those people, many times, keep a running tally in their head. The “I can’t believe you did this to me after all I’ve done for you” get off the cross martyr speech isn’t far behind. Doing something for selfish reasons isn’t really kind at all now is it?

2. Allowing another person to mistreat you hurts them too. What??? Pain begets pain begets damage begets low self worth to the destructor as well as the destructee. (not a word. should be.) If you view karma as a boomerang (which you should if you don’t. it’s basic energy exchange.), what you send out into the world will come back to you. So if you allow yourself to be a punching bag (proverbially or literally) you’re obviously not helping you but you’re also allowing the abusive or mean person to damage themselves. (mindfuck I know. this worked well with domestic violence shelter patients. and on myself in my own experience with a batterer if i’m being honest)

3. Being nicety nice ALL the time is fake. IT’s just not possible. You’re not being real or genuine or being on the relationship two way street. You can’t always be a giver and have healthy relationships. (I fucking hated working on this one omg) Being genuine means getting down and dirty with the people in your life… showing who you really are, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and real and raw. Being kind isn’t always acting “as if” but about showing who you are and most importantly what you really feel. Anything else is fake.

4. Passive-Aggressive Defined by Merriam and her boytoy Webster as: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness). Being habitually late or not returning phone calls or avoidance or or or… “Who me? No I didn’t. You must be mistaken.” is the rhetoric of the passive aggressive meanie. shiver. not much fun at all.

Internal resentments are present with a “nicey nice”. I should know because once upon a time, a long time ago, I was once a nicety-nice girl. When bad things happened, I gathered ammunition with a smile, using the stored information at a later date. I would say things like “It’s no worry.” or “It’s fine.”  I would bitch behind the person’s back, feeling completely justified because I had “helped” them and they “mistreated” me. Bullshit. I didn’t say what I needed or wanted from that relationship because I was scared. Scared of rejection and scared to stand up for myself and because it gave me power.

People that are truly kind are also kind to themselves. Period. Setting boundaries and allowing others to help you and sharing vulnerabilities and even saying NO once in awhile… all examples of kindness.

Remember… kindness doesn’t always look like what you may think.

~ a.G.~

what am i thankful for…
what are you thankful for…
grateful… gratitude… thankfulness…

easy to say. harder to show.

How often are we aware of how many things others do for us?
Tell them. Show them… your gratitude.

If it takes a national holiday for you to remember all the little things then let it be so…

kiss your mom and tell her that her turkey is fantastic… even if it’s like sandpaper.

don’t worry so much how the sausage stuffing or pumpkin pie turns out… the love you bake in will feed everyone just fine.

tell your wife that those are the best damn yams you’ve ever tasted… even if you feed them to the dog under the table

play on the floor with your kids (if you’re lucky enough to be with them)… they’d much rather have your time than that new lego set. trust me.

sit and listen to your elderly relatives – ask them to tell you their favorite stories… they are rare and precious jewels, unexpected treasures.

sit for a moment at the “kids” table and pretend to sneeze out mashed potatoes and laugh until you can’t breathe…

the very best way to “be” thankful… is to show … thankfulness.

give your time… put away your phone… get off the internet for a bit (i know… tough one.) but at least for part of your Thanks-giving day… give yourself completely.

That… is how you show thanks.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month: It’s not just a “girl thing” sweetheart.

Without disclosing not so juicy details I’ve recently observed covert misandry-like situations… at the very least prejudice against men.
Now before you even ask, here it is:

Misandry is the hatred of males as a sex, as opposed to misogyny, the hatred of women; or misanthropy, hatred of the human species. Misandry comes from misos (Greek μῖσος, “hatred”) + andr-ia (Greek anér-andros, “man”). Those holding misandric beliefs can be of either sex.

Long story a little less long…

Man is in an abusive relationship for several years. Physical abuse leading to two arrests (assault with weapons) and emotional torture to the tune of “I should have to do nothing while you do everything” and names like “idiot” and stupid” were on the menu for many years. Mental health issues from the spouse brought havoc for this gentleman the majority of this relationship.

Now… as a survivor of Domestic Violence my damn self… I’m outraged. Why am I outraged? Because all those around this lady (ahem) treat her as if SHE is the victim. During meetings that are predominantly female with the exception of said gentleman… no one is to “bring up” the past i.e. her arrest record.

I can’t help but think that if the roles were reversed and a MAN had abused a woman physically and emotionally… there would be no compromise or “compassion” for the batterer. NO easy outs. NO exceptions.

As a former therapist I testified many times on the behalf of men in violent relationships… mostly for Children’s Services cases. To even get them to ADMIT they’ve been battered was a struggle. Society tells us many mis-truths about battered men using stigma and shame as their primary tools. If you tell… somehow you’re still in the wrong. And not a very flattering view of women either “A woman can’t be abusive because she’s weaker”. Right.

The stigma is overwhelming. I remember testifying in a child custody case as to the emotional state of the husband who was my client. A skeptical magistrate actually said “He was battered? He’s 6 ft tall.” To which I replied, “It’s not about size… it’s about “POWER”. I’ve seen this man sit there and take verbal and physical abuse by women half his size. There are good men out there who’ve been taught to never EVER hurt a woman no matter what’s done to them. My client is one of those men. I just wish he’d been taught to walk away.”

When I described what he had gone through emotionally and how it tore at the very fabric of his existence for years and years… how domestic violence is about the inner bruises and scars that can never be fully healed… how he shouldered that burden because men are meant to be “strong” and impervious to a mere woman hurting them… well there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. My client, however, was mortified and felt humiliated because I had told “the secret”. He felt as if I’d emasculated him in front of the world.

And yes I’ve worked with batterers who “claimed” to be abused. Victims, especially male, are loathe to even admit that there’s abuse… let alone shout from the rooftops how they’ve been wronged.

How very sad. How very VERY sad that we view things this way. The double standard is horrifying. If you know of any men in an abusive relationship… try to decrease that stigma. Abuse in any form is NEVER okay, no matter what the gender.

~ a.G.~