So this weekend was filled with baseball and softball. Saturday was opening day with a parade and games and seeing that 4 of 6 of our Pirate Ninjas are playing… well yeah… we were busy.

As I helped with the batting line-ups and warming up the munchkins to whack that ball… I looked around at all the “grown folks” in the stands. All the fields were full of playing kids so there were tons of parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles and other family watching. Tons of pictures taken and smart phones flashing to get images of their cherubs running bases.

The thing that amazed me was how many of these grown folks still had their heads down after shooting pictures. As if it couldn’t wait until AFTER the game to be posted to facebook. As if checking their status was more important than cheering for their child’s team. The amount of head-down-ism was astronomical.

Yes I took a few pictures. But then I put the phone away. I had to. I was helping and yelling and cheering for ALL the kids… because that’s what was required. At least by my standards it was required.

I’m not blaming or shaming just stating. I used to do it too. When my kids were around, I’d check my status or post something to the goog stream, in waiting rooms or the dentist office or at games or or or… yeah I stopped that. I forced myself to consciously stop incessantly checking my phone. A random text answered or sent is all I’ll do now during any activity. Those few minutes can be spent reading a short story or hearing the precious words of a little one or laughing or singing or listening or watching… them… with them.

I’ve resolved that mindfulness comes first. Images can be posted at another time… the internet WILL survive without me for a bit. It’s much more important to be present during the important times. With my head up and eyes shining and being completely present to the very best of my ability.

My children deserve that. I deserve that. I don’t want to miss a thing.

~ a.G.~

I post a lot about kindness (and meanness too I suppose). and yes… I’ve received hate mail about it.

Amy when you say that “you treat others the way you feel about yourself” you’re wrong. I treat other people MUCH better than I treat myself. I hate myself but would do anything for other people. So yeah. You’re wrong but I still like you.

Hmmm. Interesting. Especially the last sentence.

Why mean people are mean, if you know what I mean…

Mean people are so busy worrying about everyone seeing their “ick” and hating themselves, that they have to hate you too and point out YOUR flaws so as to not see their own. (run on sentence from hell. deal with it) If I’m looking at YOU and pointing out YOUR stuff then, for a brief moment, I’m not stuck in my own morass of hatred. I can look at YOU and step on YOUR neck as a reprieve from stepping on my own. This is the obvious mean person.

Why are sickeningly sweet nicety nice people not necessarily being nice? Loaded question and where the explanation-ish stuff comes into fruition.

1. Sometimes doing things for others isn’t kind. Especially when they are able to do them for themselves. Ever hear of the word enabling? It’s pimping off the other person to make yourself feel better. “I can’t possibly be a screw up awful person if I’m out saving the world.” Even though it appears that that person is wonderful… what is the motive? We can “give” to a fault. We can be too loving… too forgiving… tooooooo much. Just know that those people, many times, keep a running tally in their head. The “I can’t believe you did this to me after all I’ve done for you” get off the cross martyr speech isn’t far behind. Doing something for selfish reasons isn’t really kind at all now is it?

2. Allowing another person to mistreat you hurts them too. What??? Pain begets pain begets damage begets low self worth to the destructor as well as the destructee. (not a word. should be.) If you view karma as a boomerang (which you should if you don’t. it’s basic energy exchange.), what you send out into the world will come back to you. So if you allow yourself to be a punching bag (proverbially or literally) you’re obviously not helping you but you’re also allowing the abusive or mean person to damage themselves. (mindfuck I know. this worked well with domestic violence shelter patients. and on myself in my own experience with a batterer if i’m being honest)

3. Being nicety nice ALL the time is fake. IT’s just not possible. You’re not being real or genuine or being on the relationship two way street. You can’t always be a giver and have healthy relationships. (I fucking hated working on this one omg) Being genuine means getting down and dirty with the people in your life… showing who you really are, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and real and raw. Being kind isn’t always acting “as if” but about showing who you are and most importantly what you really feel. Anything else is fake.

4. Passive-Aggressive Defined by Merriam and her boytoy Webster as: being, marked by, or displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way (as through procrastination and stubbornness). Being habitually late or not returning phone calls or avoidance or or or… “Who me? No I didn’t. You must be mistaken.” is the rhetoric of the passive aggressive meanie. shiver. not much fun at all.

Internal resentments are present with a “nicey nice”. I should know because once upon a time, a long time ago, I was once a nicety-nice girl. When bad things happened, I gathered ammunition with a smile, using the stored information at a later date. I would say things like “It’s no worry.” or “It’s fine.”  I would bitch behind the person’s back, feeling completely justified because I had “helped” them and they “mistreated” me. Bullshit. I didn’t say what I needed or wanted from that relationship because I was scared. Scared of rejection and scared to stand up for myself and because it gave me power.

People that are truly kind are also kind to themselves. Period. Setting boundaries and allowing others to help you and sharing vulnerabilities and even saying NO once in awhile… all examples of kindness.

Remember… kindness doesn’t always look like what you may think.

~ a.G.~

Currently playing on any social media site… what someone had for breakfast, cute (?) images of children/grandchildren/dogs/cats/if I see one more cutesy pic of ugly babies I may just hurl. Why do we think someone will care? Why do we feel the need to post daily routines or even more personal issues for all the world to see? Don’t people know that once things are on the internets that it will ALWAYS be on the internets?

There are so many rich, wonderful, inspirational things shared online (at least in the circles I run with); with stories of growth, change, overcoming adversity, and courage. Of course those are interspersed with the ugly baby pictures and how many times someone has gone to the bathroom that day… but we take the good with the not so much.

Flash back to a conversation with my parents, who have NO inclination to even participate in social media let alone share one’s most personal issues with the world at large.

Mom: Why do you write such personal things on that computer?

Me: Well mom it’s about sharing experiences, finding common strength, catharsis, ownership of personal issues…

Dad: You’re a flasher. Shameless hussy.

Me: Hey! Am not.

Mom: Should we read what you write?

Me: Umm. Probably not. It is very open and umm… yeah. No.

Mom: We have standards Amy Marie. You’d better not be sharing anything that would be embarrassing.

Dad: Fat chance of that.

Me: It’s just best that you stay off the internets Mom.

Mom: I have no use for that face thingy or chirping thingy or whatever.

Dad: I’m on LinkedIn. It’s lame.

Me: Look I just share who I am on my sites and blogs and all that.

Mom: SIGH. Could you be a little LESS you?

Dad: Flasher.

Me: *facepalm*

People. Share. It’s simply what we do. We have an intrinsic need to be heard. To be seen. To be ‘related to’ with an aww or a cute or a hey I like body piercing private places too. Right. It’s all about the relationships.  Duh Amy… we KNEW that. To give and receive emotional support as well as basic information dissemination is one of the most vital experiences on the net.

There IS a physical payoff too. According to a Harvard study two researchers hooked participants up to a fancy MRI machine and studied brain waves while self-disclosing. Brain waves went a bit of the charts when told that their opinions/beliefs/values would be shared publicly versus kept secret.

These two cool cats found that the pleasure regions of the brain, the nucleus accumbens (NAcc) and the ventral tegmental area (VTA), lit up when people were talking about themselves, and a bit less lit when they were talking about others. The same parts of the brain that are stimulated when eating or having SEX or eating and having sex at the same time or… you get the idea. Pleasure. Center. Sharing.

First rule of psychology, people LIKE talking about themselves. If you’re ever in a situation meeting new people best thing you can do is ASK questions. People will eat you up. Same holds true online.

We share therefore we are? Or something like that. So be kind when you see ugly babies and bathroom breaks or way TMI floating down your stream. They’re simply self stimulating and we all know how important that is. I probably shouldn’t tell my mom that, she’d have an aneurism. But that could be a killer blog post “I’m such a bad daughter I caused my mother’s traumatic brain injury”. Maybe not.

Why do we minimize violence when it happens between two people in a relationship? Because we don’t want to get involved? Because it’s “under the covers” and “under the radar” when it really should be under the fucking microscope?

Violence against a family member should be no different than violence happening out in the middle of town in front of everyone… except for the fact that it’s more heinous due to it’s insidious secrecy.

Batterers know exactly what they’re doing, thriving on equal parts fear and charm. Making you feel on top of the world one minute and a piece of shit the next. A roller coaster, that in the beginning makes huge leaps between “getting flowers” and “getting backhanded”. Slowly and surely decreasing a person’s ideas of what is acceptable behavior… until the abused person is simply grateful for a day without violence (emotional or physical).

This is the slow, calculated, debilitating effect of brainwashing a person into learned helplessness. Tension building (walking on eggshells) lasts longer and longer, the explosions come faster and faster, and the honeymoon phase becomes relatively non-existent. Denial is ever present… because if I admit I’m in an abusive relationship then I have to fucking DO something about it and that means I made a POOR CHOICE in a partner.

Personal accountability sucks but it’s the only way to move from victim… to survivor.

Batterers have a very low rate of success in changing their behavior… it’s about POWER DIFFERENTIALS. If I believe you to be weaker/less than/inferior than me? Well it’s very unlikely that that will change. Read more: http://www.stopvaw.org/effectiveness_of_batterers_intervention_programs

If you saw a person abusing their partner/spouse/child in public… tearing them down or calling them names or backhanding them or grabbing them by the neck or stabbing them with an object… you’d be shocked and horrified yes? You might intervene or call the police. We know that children who are abused are loyal to their abusive parents and “dont’ want to leave”. (at least that was my experience as an investigator of such matters).

Very similar feelings of misplaced loyalty stem from abused spouses or abused parents/boyfriends/girlfriends et cetera. Sometimes we don’t know… that we don’t know… that things won’t change… or how very “wrong” the situation has become.

We see a black eye and look the other way. Notice a severe difference in a friend’s behavior and say nothing. It’s not our business. Not our concern. Not our problem. They’re grown. They can handle their own business. We don’t want to interfere.

Maybe that idea needs to change. Maybe you should be that one person who isn’t afraid to say what needs to be said. Just maybe you should be a positive rabble-rouser and stand up for people… even if they get mad at ya.

(I dub this post “Lessons from a Domestic Violence counselor… and survivor of an abusive relationship” or Physician Counselor heal thyself.)

~ a.G.~

*note that there are no gender specifications here. there is just as much abuse occurring across both sexes.  it’s about power.

Therapist of the mental health kind as a licensed social worker. Multiple years working with women’s issues, domestic violence outpatient therapy as well as work in shelters, victim’s advocate, AoD addiction treatment, investigator for children’s services… and more. So yeah… me and the DSM were buds. Bringing me to my therapy of choice… Cognitive Behavioralist with a penchant for Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy.

Whosa whatsits? Right. Read the following two paragraphs and then we’ll get down to it. (from http://psychology.about.com/od/typesofpsychotherapy/a/rational-emotive-behavior-therapy.htm)

Cognitive-behavioral therapy is based on the idea that our thoughts cause our feelings and behaviors, not external things, like people, situations, and events.  The benefit of this fact is that we can change the way we think to feel / act better even if the situation does not change.

REBT, created by Albert Ellis, focuses on helping clients change irrational beliefs. As he treated patients, he became increasingly dissatisfied with the results offered by traditional psychoanalytic therapy. He noted that while his patients were able to become aware of their underlying problems, their behavior did not actually change.

Ellis suggested that people mistakenly blame external events for unhappiness. He argued, however, that it is our interpretation of these events that truly lies at the heart of our psychological distress.

To explain this process, Ellis developed what he referred to as the ABC Model:

A  Activating Event: Something happens in the environment around you.
B Beliefs: You hold a belief about the event or situation.
C Consequence: You have an emotional response to your belief.

Holy crap. Yes I made you read. Quit sniveling about it. So how do we change what happens to us? How do we become an active participant in our lives? How do we change the way we think and believe and thereby change our behaviors and attitudes?

1. Identifying the underlying irrational thought patterns and beliefs.
write it down. write it down. write it down. Write out what you believe to be true. About anything you like.
“People hate me”
“I’m worthless”
“Everyone is out to get me”
“No one really cares”
“It’s everyone else… not me”

2. Challenging the irrational beliefs.
This is the hard part. As a therapist I had to confront the ever loving lalaloopsie out of irrational beliefs. My mantra was “What evidence do you have to support that thought” or “Why is this true? Give details please” If you have enough awareness to do this for yourself… then do so. (I’ve got journals with journals that have diaries about their journals) If not? Seek out a reliable source. Someone that you know will tell you the truth.

3. Gaining Insight and Recognizing Irrational Thought Patterns.
Changing those irrational thoughts you listed by replacing them with reality based statements. (people would think I was crazy because I would stop talking and change my sentences all the time)

I felt as a counselor, a woman in recovery herself, and someone seeking awareness… that it wasn’t okay for me to tell someone else what to do without doing it my damn self. To go from “Everyone is out to get me” to “I am responsible for my behavior and responses. No one would spend that much time thinking about me. I’m simply not that important.”

Challenge… irrational beliefs. Carry the healthy responses on notecards everywhere you go. It took a long time for those irrational thoughts to take root… it’s gonna take work to get rid of them. It’s work… but it’s worth it. It can be the best thing you ever do for yourself.

~ a.G.~

“If it seems a bit depressing that the most important thing you can do to improve performance is no fun, take consolation in this fact: It must be so. If the activities that lead to greatness were easy and fun, then everyone would do them and they would not distinguish the best from the rest. The reality that deliberate practice is hard can even be seen as good news. It means that most people won’t do it. So your willingness to do it will distinguish you all the more.” ~ Geoff Colvin from the book “Talent is overrated.” 

Passion and perseverance are where it’s at. There is no such thing as natural born talent. There just isn’t. (This was a hard one for me to swallow too trust me) The not-so-secret secret to being “world class” is drive anddeliberate practice.

Deliberate practice is going above and beyond. It’s practicing scales until your fingers are numb. It’s waking up early and doing things when it’s least comfortable. It’s getting and staying outside of your comfort zone. Looking at the “I don’t wanna” and kicking it’s ever-loving ass.

I suck at deliberate practice. I never used to. I was ever so disciplined and woke up early to write before my karmic job, stayed up til the wee hours writing. Then life hit… hard… with good stuff (like getting paid to write for other people and being mommy and house elf to six).

But like my buddy Jake says in the kick ass meme below….

Right.

Even and especially when it’s not comfortable.

~ a.G.~

This is a first.

The first Christmas in a new house with a new blended family. New traditions and money managing and new ways of thinking of holiday seasons.  The gifts, the packaging, the family, the expectation, the stress… it’s enough to kill a girl. So I stopped. I stopped and I reframed and I thought about things… all the way through.

Coming from different backgrounds presents it’s own obstacles. My husband, being Scottish, was raised having nice refined low key holidays with a few meaningful gifts under a real tree purchased right before Christmas. My family? Over the top is an understatement. My mom (and I love her for it) makes Christmas wayyyyyyyyy special. Trees in every room and two hour present opening sessions at five in the morning on the special day.

A girl can’t help but have some of that over the top-ism rub off. Christmas used to be a time of panic and freaking out because I couldn’t keep up with my parents in the gift department. Worried that it wasn’t going to be magical enough  or decorated enough or just plain… not enough. It became more about stuff than it did just spending time together.

This year. This year is a first. I put up my fancy tree that wasn’t quite so fancy this year graced with handmade paper snowflakes by the mini Pirate Ninja crew (which actually makes it the fanciest tree I’ve ever had) Placed my lighted garlands (with more snowflakes) and hung up a few decorations around the house. The kids each have a little tree that they had a super good time decorating in their rooms; simple with just lights and few balls. And then we went together as a family and got our real fir tree for the playroom that the kids decorated all by themselves.

It was a blast. And not TOO much. Just enough I think, to make extra special super special for them. It’s not about showing off, it’s about making the holiday bright for the wee ones.

Presents? One really big special gift and then a few smaller ones for good measure for all six of them. They’ll be getting gifts from grandparents and extended family under the tree too.

The most important gift we’ll be giving our children is not freaking out over the holidays. A laid back, relaxing, FUN day (for once), without Mommy being sick to her stomach because she’s not enough. Toys are forgotten quickly… it’s the time spent together that matters most. Finally… at the age of 40, I GET it. Finally.

It is enough. It’s more than enough. All I want for Christmas, I already have. More than I ever thought possible. Thanks Santa… I musta been a reallygood girl this year.

Merry Stress Free Christmas ♥

“About half the population needs to make a real effort to feel desire, Weiner Davis said. A reluctant spouse must make a “decision for desire,” she said. “If you wait for the feeling to sort of wash over you, when the dogs are out of the house, the phones are not ringing, the kids are in bed, you’re never going to have sex.” ~  Weiner Davis… author of The Sex Starved Marriage.

Besides having the name Weiner (which effin’ rocks btw) she’s spot on in her book.

Desire can’t wait for when all the kids are sleeping or the laundry is done or when you have the time. If you wait until there is time then you just won’t get your groove on. Sexual intimacy is vital to any relationship and has more to do with self actualization than you think (no I didn’t say self stimulation you dirty birds)

It’s about allowing yourself to feel desire AND about feeling desirable. Sensual is a state of mind which then leads to the body… not the other way around. Do things that feel good to your body… a long luxurious bubble bath, wearing a silky robe, request a body massage from your partner (yes I said request… knowing what feels good to you is a turn on to your partner… if it’s not you may need a new partner).

Sexy is a state of mind. Sensuality is vital to a relationship and in this world of manic “busy”, it makes sense that you carve out time to FEEL sensual. Your sexual health is important. Dopamine says this is so.

Couples need to put as much energy into their sex lives as their job and children. True dat. It’s important.

easy to say. harder to show.

How often are we aware of how many things others do for us?
Tell them. Show them… your gratitude.

If it takes a national holiday for you to remember all the little things then let it be so…

kiss your mom and tell her that her turkey is fantastic… even if it’s like sandpaper.

don’t worry so much how the sausage stuffing or pumpkin pie turns out… the love you bake in will feed everyone just fine.

tell your wife that those are the best damn yams you’ve ever tasted… even if you feed them to the dog under the table

play on the floor with your kids (if you’re lucky enough to be with them)… they’d much rather have your time than that new lego set. trust me.

sit and listen to your elderly relatives – ask them to tell you their favorite stories… they are rare and precious jewels, unexpected treasures.

sit for a moment at the “kids” table and pretend to sneeze out mashed potatoes and laugh until you can’t breathe…

the very best way to “be” thankful… is to show … thankfulness.

give your time… put away your phone… get off the internet for a bit (i know… tough one.) but at least for part of your Thanks-giving day… give yourself completely.

That… is how you show thanks.

]]> http://sassifiable.com/show-me-dont-tell-me/feed/ 0 http://sassifiable.com/brain-chemistry/ http://sassifiable.com/brain-chemistry/#comments Tue, 20 Nov 2012 14:47:42 +0000 Sassy http://sassifiable.com/?p=1665 [...]]]>

I had a beautiful short term memory once. Tell me something one time and I owned it. Directions? Fuggetaboutit I could always find my way around. Reading comprehension that was tested (back in the day) as the top 3% in the nation. Photograp